Empathy, Ongoing and Growing

Empathetic Rats

2011-12-27T18:36:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a very interesting link to a report about empathy in rats. I was interested for 2 reasons--1) the question of whether animals as well as humans can feel empathy is very intriguing, and 2) I really like rats. They're one of my favorite animals.

Please check out the video on YouTube. Then consider the emotional life of rats and other animals with me.

We had a pet rat in my class of 4- and 5-year-olds for several years. His name was Squeaks, and he was the most gentle, good-natured guy you'd ever want to know. He would sit on the kids' laps and let them pet him like a cat; he would let them carry him around in their sweatshirt pockets; he would give them little rat kisses. I learned a lot about rats, studying them with the kids. Rats are highly social creatures, organized into coherent and efficient social structures in their rat societies. They're very smart, and I have to think that intelligence is a necessary component of empathy. I don't think turtles are smart enough to be able to understand something from another turtle's viewpoint; I think rats are that smart. I also think that caring for infants is another requirement for empathy. Animals--mainly mammals and birds--that care for their own young have to be able to feel compassion and to understand what their infants need--i.e. they must have empathy for their infants.

So I believe that many animals can and do feel empathy, not only for others of their own species, but also for other species sometimes (dogs and their owners will back me up on that, I'm sure!)

Of course, this raises the question of whether we humans should feel empathy for other animals, and what we should do about that. One obvious thing is that we should feel the pain of animals raised on factory farms in horrible conditions (see the movie, "Food, Inc.") Are we participating in the torture of animals when we order a hamburger at a fast food place or pick up one of those convenient, already-roasted chickens at the grocery store? I'd say yes. Taking it one step further, many vegetarians would say that our empathy for animals should prevent us from eating them at all. Where do you fall on the food continuum? My older son won't eat intelligent animals--no more calamari, no more pork--but will sometimes eat fish, or humanely-raised chickens or beef. My middle son is a vegetarian. I can no longer in good conscience order chicken or other meat in a restaurant unless they specifically say it comes from a local, sustainable, humanely-conducted family farm. I'm still thinking about the issue of eating intelligent animals.

Well, I guess we've gone a bit afield from the question of whether animals can feel empathy. Do watch the video. You'll learn that rats are nicer to each other than we humans often are!

The Science of Evil book review

2011-08-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

I said back in May that the next book I would be reading was "The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty" by Simon Baron-Cohen. It took me till mid-August to get the book from the library, because there were so many holds on it--which is good, that people are interested in this subject.

Baron-Cohen is Professor of Developmental Psychopathology at the University of Cambridge, and has been studying empathy for 30 years. He has concluded that there is a biological basis for empathy or the lack thereof, as well as factors in the environment that affect the development of empathy. He and his colleagues have discovered some genes related to empathy, and expect to find more. They have pinpointed areas in the brains that are activated when a person has an empathetic response (or not very activated in the brains of those low in empathy.) He talks about hormonal factors--testosterone negatively affecting empathy, and oxytocin increasing empathy. (Not surprisingly, males on average rate lower than females on empathy.)

He presents a bell of curve of empathy, with those at the lowest end being termed either "zero-negative" or "zero-positive." The zero-positives are autistic people, particularly those with Asperger Syndrome, who are unable to understand another's point of view, but who nonetheless have a moral code and understand that they must live by the rules of society. (See blog post from Nov. 20, 2009 for a discussion from a reader on the difficulty of being married to a person with Asperger Syndrome--her husband literally just did not understand her.)

It's the zero-negatives that are commonly labeled evil. They lack an ability to appreciate another person's feelings or experiences, and are totally centered on their own selves--their own needs and desires. These people probably have a lethal combination of bad genes and a bad environment, most likely having been raised in abusive homes by zero-negative parents. They include sociopaths, narcissists, and people with borderline personality disorder. Whether their zero-negative state leads them to be angry at others all the time and to lash out verbally or physically, or whether it leads them to be coldly manipulative of others, or even to murder someone, the results are always bad for both the person and those around him.

Baron-Cohen talks about evil as simply being a complete lack of empathy, and it certainly makes sense that one would not be able to commit evil acts if one felt the pain of one's victim. I don't know that being zer0-negative is the sum total explanation of evil. It doesn't seem to explain those that get pleasure from others' pain. Particularly when it comes to psychopaths, such as Eric Harris, the Columbine killer, something else must lead them to move from not caring about causing pain to others, to actively seeking to cause pain. Psychopaths, says Baron-Cohen, can intellectually understand another's viewpoint, which is why they're so good at manipulating people, but they are unable to care. But psychopaths also seem to have a great deal of contempt for anyone but themselves, regarding others as inferior and deserving of whatever they do to them. This additional step seems to be necessary to get to evil.

One of my favorite movies is Fargo, partly for its brilliant portrayal of an ordinary, evil man. The car salesman, Jerry Lundegaard (played superbly by William H. Macy) is clearly a zero-negative person. He has absolutely no empathy for the terror he is willing to put his wife through in staging her kidnapping in order to solve his financial problems. He has absolutely no empathy for his son--what a painful, moving scene when he stands in the doorway of his son's bedroom, seeing his son in so much pain over his kidnapped mother, and is unable to comfort him. At the end, he has absolutely no remorse for what he has done--just fear of the consequences for himself.

The book raises a lot of provocative questions. For example, it is often asserted that anyone is capable of committing evil acts, even murder, given the right circumstances. Is this true? People cite the famous psychological studies in which ordinary people can be induced to give painful electric shocks to strangers (or so they believe), or the experiment in which college students were randomly divided into guards and prisoners, and the guards ended up treating the prisoners (really their fellow students) cruelly. However, not everyone who participated in those studies did these bad things. Some people refused to do so, despite the experimenters' attempts to push them into it. Baron-Cohen's bell curve of empathy helps to explain this. Those in the lower to middle range, who score a one t0 a four, would be more easily induced to ignore any feelings of empathy for the other. Those at the high end, who score a five or six on the scale, would be those who would walk out or refuse to inflict pain on others, no matter what.

There is no denying that being zero-negative on the empathy scale is a necessary condition for evil. Certainly, environmental factors would have to contribute. (Often, but not always, parenting. Other factors might come into play--peers, media, and so on.)

The consideration of evil is a big topic, far to big to cover in one, or several, blog posts. But I would recommend this book as a fascinating jumping-off point. Let me just conclude with my favorite quote from the book: "Each drop of empathy waters the flower of peace."

Teaching Empathy in College

2011-08-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

A faithful supporter recently sent me an interesting article in the Chronicle of Higher Education in which the writer asks the question: should empathy be taught to college students? The author, Richard Kahlenberg, asks: "In higher education, should colleges affirmatively seek to teach students empathy or is doing so inappropriate because it is unrelated to academic achievement and might be overtly political?"

First, I have to say I see nothing political about empathy. One would hope that politicians of every persuasion would see the pro-social value of empathy in our society. Yes, some on the far-right side of the political spectrum do not believe that values should be taught in school, but rather should be left strictly to home. Also, as the speaker to whom Mr. Kahlenberg was listening pointed out, President Obama was castigated by some Republicans for saying, when he was in the process of making his last Supreme Court appointment, that he would be looking for a justice with the trait of empathy. (See previous blog post from May 2009 for my take on this topic.) But I seriously doubt any political party would wish to call itself "anti-empathy".

There are 2 questions to be answered as to whether teaching empathy to college students is advisable: is it worthwhile, and is it possible?

Possible? Maybe, maybe not. Empathy is a human trait that I believe is built into the human brain and the human social system, and it is learned naturally just as we learn language, the social mores of our particular group, and many other things. Most humans develop empathy to a certain degree--some more, some less, and a few, not at all. (See my blog posts on March 2009 and May 2o11 for further discussion of this topic.) Mr. Kahlenberg discusses a college which is requiring its students to take part in an 8-week program in which they do things like spending a day in a wheelchair, or a night in a homeless shelter. My feeling is, this may help some young people broaden their understanding of what people less fortunate than themselves experience, so why not do it? Of course, spending one night in a homeless shelter cannot give a true, deep understanding of what it is like to be without a home--to live in uncertainty day after day, to not be able to own more than you can carry on your back or maybe store at a friend's house, to not know where you will be sleeping each night, to not have a neighborhood and the sense of belonging that comes with that... But even having a taste of the experience might open up some eyes and hearts to things the person had not understood and thought about before.

And I too am only speculating and imagining what being homeless would be like, because I have not personally experienced that. In fact, I would hope that the college would pair each "experience" with a guest speaker who could talk to the students about what their life is like and how they feel about it, and who could answer the students' questions and engage in a deep and meaningful dialogue with them.

As far as whether it is appropriate for colleges to teach empathy? Absolutely! Gaining understanding of the larger world is pretty much the mission of higher education, isn't it? Don't most English literature classes involve analyzing and trying to understand the characters' feelings and experiences? Don't sociology classes, anthropology classes, psychology classes and many other college courses expand a student's empathy and understanding of other people?

The intention of a liberal arts education is to broaden young people's understanding of the world and those who live in it. Enhancing students' empathy gives them another tool to do so.

Facebook: the face of empathy today?

2011-07-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

I read a very inspiring article in the New York Times about a new Facebook page that is connecting young Palestinians and Israelis. It's called Facebook.com/yalaYL, the YL standing for "young leaders." This site was created by a former Israeli diplomat, and is being supported by many important people. There are welcome messages from Shimon Peres, president of Israel, and Mahmoud Abbas, president of the Palestinian Authority. Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, is very excited about this project.

According to the NewYork Times article, this site is getting many Israelis and Palestinians to talk to each other for the first time. They quote an 18-year-old Palestinian student who says, "This is my first contact with Israelis. ...I think it's cool." Another student, who got a friend request from Egypt, said, "I asked one Egyptian why he had contacted me...and he said, 'After the revolution, everything is permitted. I want to see what Israelis are like."

Clearly, Palestinians and Israelis will never be able to make true peace with each other until they can know each other--until they have empathy for where each other is coming from, and for what each other is going through. They must know each other, as individuals, and hear each other's stories and experiences, feelings and desires, to be able to come to see each other as fellow human beings, rather than enemies.

Social media just might bring the world together.

Can rich and powerful people be empathetic?

2011-05-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lately, several things have added up to my asking the question in the title.

On The Daily Show this week, Jon Stewart interviewed the author Jon Ronson, who wrote The Psychopath Test. He avers that a surprising number of CEOs and powerful politicians are successful precisely because they are psychopaths. In other words, they completely lack empathy for anyone else, and thus are able to do whatever is necessary to get ahead. As Booklist says in its review of this book, "those behaviors are found in CEOs who recklessly eliminate jobs while lavishing money on themselves and their friends, as well as in murderously dangerous Mafiosi".

Tomorrow night my book club will be discussing the 2010 novel The Privileges, by Jonathon Dee. It's a brilliantly-written depiction a family--husband, wife, daughter, son--who become ultra-rich. The man is very good at his job and makes a lot of money working for a private equity firm, but he feels absolutely entitled to a life of ultimate privilege for himself and his family. So he engages in illegal insider trading, and makes an incredible fortune. The man and his wife are totally narcissistic and lacking in empathy for anyone else outside their 4-person family unit, including their own parents and siblings. They believe that their children should be denied nothing. The results are horrifying.

Meanwhile, our newspapers are filled with stories about how the rich have gotten richer during our current economic downturn. Two days ago, I read this headline in the Minneapolis Star Tribune: "Rich Spend as Everyone Else Scrimps." I have to wonder if someone who spends $5000 on one handbag, which is just plain ridiculous, can have any empathy for the other 99% of humanity.

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously wrote, "Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me." Being born rich has to put you at a remove from ordinary people which would be very difficult to bridge. Does attaining great wealth do the same thing? Or do you have to feel that remove from others in the first place in order to amass a personal fortune.

Of course I am not saying that all rich people and all powerful people lack empathy. Certainly many people, like the late Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone, go into politics precisely because they have great empathy for others, and wish to help them and make the world a better place. And I'm sure some rich people send their kids to public school and do other things to keep their children, and themselves, grounded and in touch with regular people. Prince William flies search and rescue helicopters and hangs out with his RAF crew.

But history is full of people--from the robber barons of the past to Bernie Madoff of today--who are very rich because they are sociopaths who have a talent for taking money from other people in various ways and not caring one tiny bit about those whom they have hurt.

The next book I'm going to read is The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, by Simon Baron-Cohen. If I learn anything therein that helps us know what can be done about rich and powerful sociopaths, I'll let you know.

The GIft of Sharing Pain

2011-04-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend who has cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last fall, had 3 surgeries, and has been undergoing a grueling series of chemo and radiation treatments that started in January and will last until the end of May. Like many others, she has a CaringBridge website that allows her to stay in touch with friends and family around the country, and keeps us updated on her condition.

This lovely person has a wonderful sense of humor, and it is beautifully on display in her journal updates. She jokes about her "day at the nuclear spa". She says, "I absolutely look like Molting Ostrich Girl, which is quite hilarious. I am collecting a wonderful assortment of ridiculous wigs and headgear, the newest one a fiery red mohawk hat."

But she has also found the strength to honestly share how hard the long battle with cancer is, and to trust that we will hang with her, that we do not need jokes all the time to make it bearable. I so much appreciate her sharing the dark side of cancer with us. I have been lucky in that, so far, we haven't had any family members diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know that when you're having weekly chemo sessions, you get one "good" day a week--the day before your next session, when you plunge down the chemo cliff again, your mind engulfed in a chemo haze and your body barely able to walk. She says, "The basic news is that it's darn tough, not a little frightening, a lot lonely, and a huge challenge across the physical, emotional and spiritual spectrums. Those aren't bad things, however. Hope springs eternal! "

It is so hard to open up and let people know the darkness you are dealing with. My friend is a very strong, vibrant person. And now she has found the strength to be dependent, to feel anger at the setbacks, to need support. As she put it so well in her most recent post: "I thank my friends for staying close to me, and for pushing me to let you help me. I deflect with humor and try to make it easy to be around me, and realize that I have a really tough time showing my vulnerability. Part of the journey to the other side is getting your rear end kicked, and learning to let a lot go!"

MILK for MLK Day

2011-01-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

We just watched the movie "Milk" this evening, and it occurred to me afterward what an appropriate thing this was to do on this particular day. So many parallels between Martin Luther King Jr. leading the fight for racial equality and human rights, and Harvey Milk doing the same for the human rights of gay people. Both men courageously spoke up for the rights of their people; both men led demonstrations for the civil rights of their people; both men knew there was a good chance that in fighting for the rights of their oppressed people they would be assassinated by a hate-filled person--and indeed, so it happened.

Certainly, the civil rights issue of our time is the rights of gay citizens to have all the protections and rights of the rest of our citizenry, including the right to marry the person you love. In Harvey Milk's time, in the 1970's, the battle was being fought in California over Proposition 6, to force the firing of gay teachers; in 2008, the number bumped up to Prop 8, and the fight was over banning gay marriage.

The most stirring thing that Harvey Milk says in the film is his plea, in fighting against Prop 6, for every gay person to "come out", so that all California citizens could find out that they know a gay person-- their neighbor, their nephew, the guy in the office two doors down, the waitress at the local coffee shop, and yes, even their own sons and daughters. And so people would understand that to vote for Prop 6 was to vote against these friends, co-workers and family members. If this isn't an argument for the primacy of empathy, I don't know what is.

Harvey Milk was right. And I'm sure Martin Luther King Jr. would have marched arm-in-arm with him if he had lived.

New Year's Resolution: More Empathy

2010-12-31T14:41:00.000-08:00

My New Year's resolution might surprise some people. I resolve to be more empathetic. Yes, I am generally a pretty empathetic person. But I want to be less judgmental and more understanding of where people are coming from when I don't agree with them. Especially, I resolve to accept my daughter-in-law's parenting decisions and to truly listen to her when she explains why she has made these decisions. There are many approaches and philosophies that are good ways to raise children, and her way (and of course our son's way as well) do not have to be the same as our way. So, if they have decided that their son will not be babysat by anyone until such time as he says he wishes to be, so be it.

And if everyone resolved at the start of this year to raise their level of empathy toward others, wouldn't this be a much better world? It's not so hard. When a judgmental thought about another person pops into your head (and maybe is on the verge of popping out of your mouth), take a mental step back and try to appreciate that person's actions or statements or beliefs from his/her point of view.

What do you say? Are you up for it?

Religious Intolerance Tsunami

2010-08-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like there is a tsunami of religious intolerance sweeping the globe lately.

In New York: The growing controversy over building a Muslim center a couple blocks from ground zero results in a Muslim cab driver being stabbed. Anti-Islam fervor appears to be growing, fed by the right-wing media. Tara Bahrampour in the Washington Post reports that this recent backlash against Muslims in the U.S. has Muslim students at American University in Washington D.C. feeling fearful and very upset.

In Pakistan: Members of the Ahmadiyya Muslim community (2 to 4 million Pakistanis) are being targeted for death by "traditional Muslims", apparently with the tacit approval of the government, and suicide bombers are blowing up Shiite mosques, according to an article by Trudy Rubin in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Shockingly, she reports that the Pakistani constitution, since 1974, has labeled Ahmadis "non-Muslim" (and therefore open to persecution, even unto death.)

On network news in the U.S.: On NBC's Today Show, there was an interview by Brian Williams with President Obama about the growing number of Americans who believe Obama is a Muslim. While I respect Brian Williams as a journalist, he introduces his interview by saying that President Obama is facing accusations that he is a Muslim. Accusations? As if being Muslim were a crime?

What is going on?

Fortunately, even in the midst of growing religious intolerance, we find examples of people seeking to spread understanding and respect for others of differing faiths. Today I read in the Minneapolis Star Tribune that a group of Muslims are handing out small cards entitled "Islam Explained" at the Minnesota State Fair. As one participant explained: "'Education promotes tolerance,' said Julianne Scasny, a Muslim who was handing out cards outside the State Fair Sunday with her husband, Mounaf Alsamman, a U.S. citizen from Syria who said he has never seen such suspicion of Islam in the United States as he has seen recently."

Empathy can push back against this tsunami of hatred and misunderstanding. Let us do all we can to stand up for the humanity of all people on this planet, of whatever religious beliefs, including those who do not believe in God at all. And let us educate ourselves. When I go to the State Fair this weekend, I will be sure to seek out the "Islam Explained" card and read it carefully.

follow-up to previous discussion

2010-06-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

My son, Zack, sent me this e-mail in response to my query as to whether young people are really less empathetic than their predecessors:

Without knowing the details of the study, it's really hard to judge how accurate it is. If it's empathy for the struggles of minorities, I think young people are much more empathetic, if for no other reason than minorities are more integrated than in past generations. And with the increased ratio of minorities in this country, that too should make young people more empathetic.

However, when it comes to having empathy for opposing points of view, especially political views, the study may be right. It is my general feeling that people are, on average, not very interested in even hearing opposing points of view, let alone trying to empathize with them.

Are young people less empathetic?

2010-06-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

I read about a new study that claims that college kids are about 40% less empathetic than their counterparts 20 or 30 years ago. This was a large study analyzing data on 14,000 college students. The results were obtained by asking students pretty straight-forward questions like how much they agree with the statement, "I sometimes try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective". I answered the questionnaire myself, and it seemed hard to get a low score.

A 40% drop is huge, and the article in Science Digest speculated on why this might have occurred, fingering everything from violent video games to reality shows (which make entertainment of real humans' problems) to Facebook as the culprits.

But I have to wonder if the results are right. All of the young people I know, from my sons' friends to my nieces and nephews to people I work with, seem quite empathetic. Yes, they connect on Facebook in a somewhat superficial way, but that doesn't mean they don't connect with each other in real life, and they still seem to share and listen to each other as much as ever. Maybe I'm wrong. But I hope not.

I read about the study in New York Times' columnist Charles M. Blow's account of how he isn't as personally connected to his neighbors as people used to be. But then, he lives in New York City. Maybe it's different here in Minnesota. After all, Minneapolis is the number one city in the U.S. in terms of number of people who volunteer. And you don't voluntarily give up your time and money to help someone else, whether it's a child who needs help with reading in school, or a homeless family who needs a free meal, or a sick and lonely old person in a nursing home who needs a friend, unless you feel empathy for that person you're helping.

Maybe young people today just self-report differently than they did in the past. Maybe when asked how much a statement such as "When I see someone being taken advantage of, I feel kind of protective towards them" describes themselves, they chose the second-highest option on the five-point scale, for some reason. Maybe they're more cynical about being surveyed. Maybe they're more honest. Maybe they're thinking, "It depends on why that person is being taken advantage of."

I would really love to hear from young people: how accurate do you feel this study is?

Gay stigma fading away

2010-06-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

Good news on the empathy front! New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow reports on the Gallup research organization's findings that the percentage of Americans who feel that gay and lesbian relations are "morally acceptable" has passed the 50% mark. Further, the increase comes about because men have dramatically increased their acceptance of homosexuality in others, bringing them up to the same level of acceptance as found among women.

This is particularly true for young men. In general, it seems the youth are leading the way on this front. They've been exposed to gay characters on TV and in the movies their whole lives; they've seen increasing numbers of famous people come out and say "I'm gay, this is who I am, but it doesn't define me"; they personally know more people who are openly gay. Remember when Ellen DeGeneres came out on national TV in 1997 and it was considered so brave? She helped break the ground for Adam Lambert to be able to come out in a very casual and natural way 12 years later. Adam Lambert is the new normal for young people. One of my son's best friends is gay, and it certainly hasn't adversely affected their close friendship.

I'm not saying it isn't still difficult for a gay or lesbian person to tell the world--their families, friends and co-workers--about their sexual orientation. I don't want to make light of the prejudice and hostility they still face. But the stigma seems to be falling rapidly, as even the military is now on the verge of repealing its "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. And now we're seeing state after state open up marriage to same-sex couples, further decreasing the "us" vs "them" mentality of the past. I suspect that when Gallup does a follow-up poll in 10 years, young people in 2020 will say, "Who cares if someone's gay or not? No one I know."

Empathy for Evil?

2010-05-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Are we required to have empathy for those who are evil?

I recently watched the movie Hotel Rwanda. This is, of course, a very disturbing movie about true evil that was committed on a massive scale, as well as being a hopeful movie about courage and respect for the humanity of others in the face of such evil.

So, should we try to feel empathy for those who slaughtered their neighbors, including small children, so brutally?

Yes, because feeling empathy does not mean condoning or excusing what the recipient of one's empathy does. Empathy may help us understand why humans can commit evil, either on an individual scale (as in the case of an abused child who grows up to become an abuser) or on a larger scale, as in Rwanda. But that doesn't mean that harming other people is ever okay.

Instead, we recognize and admit that we share a common humanity with those who commit evil, rather than distancing ourselves from them and consoling ourselves with the notion that we could never do what they did. Certainly, we all hope that we would be the brave ones to resist the Nazis, to shelter those being persecuted, to speak up when we see someone abusing their child in public. But until we can admit that all of us contain within our human souls the capacity to do wrong as well as right, we can make no progress in dealing with evil.

Who joined the Crusades? Who slaughtered whole families of Native Americans in their villages? Who enslaved Africans? Who lynched them when they were freed? Who participated in the killing fields of Cambodia? Who watched their Jewish neighbors being taken away to death camps and said nothing? Who kidnaps boys in Africa today and brutalizes them until they turn into killers? People not unlike us, that's who.

I am reminded of the famous Stanford experiment from 1971, wherein students were randomly divided into 2 groups--prisoners and guards. The experiment was supposed to last 2 weeks, but they had to stop it after 6 days because the students who were the guards became so cruel (although they were not allowed to physically hurt the prisoners) and the prisoners became so traumatized. These were normal, typical college students, no different, really, from our own friends, our own children.

And in all cases of mass evil, the common denominator that allowed it to happen (besides that of power) was that the people who were slaughtered or raped or mutilated were made out to be "others", less than human. In other words, those who committed the evil acts had absolutely no empathy for those whom they hurt.

Haiti Vs. Congo

2010-01-31T15:01:00.000-08:00

I was going to write about how the overwhelming response to the earthquake disaster in Haiti gives us clear evidence that empathy is alive and well in the human population. We see millions of people suffering enormous loss, and we must respond, millions of us in return. We are compelled to help people we don't know at all, just because we can put ourselves in their place and imagine how awful it must be. Compassion is the empathetic response to bad things happening to other people, even people we will never meet.

And this is true, but...

Nicholas D. Kristof writes in the New York Times today about the humanitarian crisis happening in east Congo now, and contrasts the outpouring of support for the suffering people in Haiti to the indifference the world exhibits to the genocide and atrocities happening in Congo. He says that the civil war there has claimed 30 times the number of lives as has the earthquake in Haiti; he describes in vivid and sickening detail the savage murder of parents in front of their children, the kidnapping of young girls to sexually service the rebel soldiers, the rape of children. Extremist Hutu militias (remnants of those that committed the genocide in Rwanda) are brutally destroying the country and its people, and the world is, apparently, indifferent.

WHY?

Some guesses:

--It's too alien, too far removed from our own experience here in the U.S. Natural disasters we know, we understand. We have tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes. We don't have roaming bands of lawless thugs breaking into our homes, eviscerating our husbands in front of our eyes, raping our wives as we are forced to watch, and carrying off our screaming 12-year-old daughter. (Although I write this from the safety of my suburban home. I acknowledge that people who live in our worst slums are subject to terror from gang members.)

--We don't see it. We see the Haitian disaster on TV, and it's a lot easier to respond with empathy to what you can see. Maybe if Steven Spielberg made a movie about Congo, we'd respond.

--Tribal warfare in Africa seems endless and unsolvable to most of us in the West. There are solutions to earthquake damage. The remedies are concrete: dig people out of rubble; send doctors; send food; send tents; send money. But what is the remedy for genocide, for rape on a massive scale? Send in our troops? Not going to happen. Send money? To whom? World wide awareness and outcry? Important, but will it make any difference in actually stopping it?

--One disaster was caused by natural events; the other by the most extreme human evil. We don't like to think about how evil we as a species can be. We want to distance ourselves from it, but in doing so we distance ourselves from the victims as well.

I wish I had some insightful answer. I don't. But I am highly grateful to Mr. Kristof for speaking up for the ravaged Congo people.

My parents, empathy, and one Christmas morning

2009-12-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

I grew up with parents who were extremely empathetic-- both toward others and toward us, my sisters, brother and me. The Christmas season reminds me of a wonderful example of that.

As the oldest of the four kids, I was the first to learn the truth about Santa Claus. I felt very important and grown-up to be keeping this secret with my parents, and wanted to be a part of making the Santa magic for my younger siblings. I had the idea that "Santa" should leave a trail of presents from the fireplace to the tree-- an idea I eagerly shared with my parents. They agreed to do it.

I got up Christmas morning, all excited to see the results of my collaboration with my parents. When I walked into the living room, I was surprised to see ALL the presents spread out between the fireplace and the tree, and none under the tree. I realized that my parents had misunderstood my idea, which had been to have most of the presents under the tree, and just a thin trail of presents from the fireplace to the tree.

I thought it looked really bad. And I was extremely touched to see it so. Because it told me that my parents valued me more than anything, certainly more than how something looked-- even something as important as a once a year magical Christmas event. I figured they had to have thought it looked stupid, too, when they laid it out, but they did it anyway. For me.

They had such empathy for me (I felt it even if I didn't know the word then) that they understood how excited and grown-up I felt to be in on the secret, and they honored that. What a beautiful gift, one that I have treasured to this day.

Life in a Family without Empathy

2009-11-20T18:36:00.001-08:00

How difficult is it to live with family members who are unable to feel empathy for you or each other?

I've had a series of interesting e-mails from a woman who recently discovered the empathy symbol and the website. She tells of the daily anguish of living just such a life. She suggested that we add "families" to the motto on the bookmarks and magnets, which says: "Empathy-- the first step to peace in our schools, communities, nations, world."

I thought her experience should be shared, and she gave me her permission to do so here, even though she felt some trepidation. She believes that the lack of empathy in her family members stems from undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome. She is aware that this might be controversial in the Asperger community. But looking on Wikipedia, I found that Hans Asperger, the Austrian pediatrician who identified the syndrome in 1944, "described children in his practice who lacked nonverbal communication skills, demonstrated limited empathy with their peers, and were physically clumsy." Saying that at least some people who have Asperger Syndrome have a difficult time feeling empathy for others is not a judgment, and it doesn't mean that all such individuals cannot learn to feel and understand how things are for another person.

I think it's important to listen to her experience with an open mind and heart, and really hear, and feel, what she shares:

"As you know, empathy is a very personal issue for me. ... living with decades of no empathy from your spouse, daughter and other extended family members can be deadly. I believe my sister suicided in 2006 in part from the lack of empathy she experienced over 25 years with her husband-probably undiagnosed AS. She didn't think she could live with him anymore, but she also didn't think she could live without him. It has taken me 32 years to realize my husband probably has AS. It took me 52 years to realize my parents and sisters probably also have/had it. What took me even longer was to realize the impact on ME from living with non-empathetic people for all of my life! I have found a whole world of Asperger Spouses who struggle with depression, anxiety, physical illnesses from decades of neglecting themselves and caring for others and/or stuffing emotions and feelings which family members will not allow expression of. ...I attend a monthly Asperger Spouse Support, or ASS, group.

...Prior to finding your website, my favorite website was that of Maxine Aston who has described "Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder" experienced by the spouses of those with Asperger's. Unlike Autism, which is usually more obvious, people don't believe they have AS, or that your spouse might have AS. Thus, you speak the truth that there's something wrong, but nobody believes you. It is truly a curse. For 10 months my family has denied the possibility they have AS, just increasing my despair after a brief glimmer of hope that I finally understood what I was dealing with. We have finally found a competent health psychologist experienced with AS and are working towards a diagnosis, but much slower than I'd like.

If you are ever interested in learning more from my perspective, or that of other spouses, I'd be willing to set something up. Again, my bottom line recommendation is to add the word "families", because the lack of empathy IS deadly within families, just as much as it is in other aspects of our society. The reality is that if people don't learn empathy within their families, or during K-12 schooling, it will be much more difficult to learn it other places. Since AS did not exist as a diagnosis until 1994, there are many, many undiagnosed adults in our world who are not eligible for the educational services young students receive today. Our health plan does not cover AS as it is not "curable", even though it has impacted my health severely. But health insurance companies don't look at the health impact on others from your disability. There's a whole can of worms out there in relationship to this issue.

Thanks again for the symbol, and the affirmation and hope it brings to me (and others) that someone is acknowledging the importance of something we lack on a daily basis within our families."

Having grown up in a family that was awash in empathy, I can only imagine her pain; I thank her for sharing her story with me, and now with you.

And yes, we will be adding the word "families" to the empathy motto soon.

Babies are sociopaths

2009-10-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

We all start life as sociopaths.

Babies don't much care that mommy is dead tired from getting up every two hours to feed them. Their cries say it all: "Feed me. Change me. Hold me. Meet my needs."

Fortunately, we are also hardwired from the beginning to be interested in other human beings, to gain pleasure from seeing a face we recognize, from hearing other human voices. When a toddler reaches out from her high chair to offer her mother a bite of the cookie she is enjoying, wishing Mommy to experience the pleasure she has, we are certainly seeing the beginning of empathy.

In fact, I believe we are hardwired as humans to become empathetic, that caring about others and wanting to understand others is a survival trait for the human species. We are a social species, and we have succeeded spectacularly because of this.

But, there are aberrant individuals in any species. In humans, a severe lack of empathy leads to a sociopathic personality--a person who has no interest in the experiences or feelings of any other human being but himself. What are the worst human beings in our history but sociopaths, able to commit mass atrocities because they are unable to feel the pain they are causing others, unable to even perceive others as full human beings like themselves?

And of course, empathy runs on a continuum, like most things. It's not either/or: either you're empathetic or you're a sociopath. Most of us fall somewhere between Mother Teresa and Hitler.

We all know people who just don't seem all that interested in anyone but themselves. This person, when you tell him you just had something bad happen to you (let's say you found out your mother has cancer), responds with his own story of someone he knows who had cancer, or a story about an illness his own mother had, rather than responding to you and your experience. Sure, sometimes people do this as an attempt to let you know that they understand where you're coming from. But you know the kind of person I mean: whatever you say, their response starts with the word "I". They're not quite up to the mid-point on the empathy scale.

On the other hand, we all know someone who seems genuinely interested in hearing about us and our feelings and experiences. This person's response tends to be a question about you and what you said: "Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. What's your next step with your mother? How's she taking this? How're you holding up?" These people really share your joys and your sorrows, and they make the world a better place.

Yes, we all start life as sociopaths. Fortunately, most of us naturally learn to become empathetic to others. Helping all children to increase their empathy for other people, including people not in their own social group (ethnicity, religion, culture, etc.), would be a huge boost in moving our human species to a higher level of existence. This is especially true for children who have not themselves experienced an empathetic response--those children who are abused, who are unloved. Teach a child empathy, show a child empathy, and we will all be better for it.

The Henry Louis Gates incident

2009-08-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

The Henry Louis Gates incident is a situation crying out for an empathetic response. You have to ask yourself, if you are not a person of color, how would it feel to be automatically regarded suspiciously by the police, even in your own home? How would it feel to know that you can be stopped by the police while driving, or followed by a clerk in a store, at any time, simply because you have dark skin? I imagine it would feel awful to have that possibility hanging in the background of your everyday life, and you just don't know when those racist suspicions might suddenly emerge to threaten you. Until what happened to Henry Louis Gates isn't possible anymore in the U.S., we have not made the racial progress we think we have.

Although the words that were spoken by the participants at President Obama's "beer summit" were not made public, I truly hope that Police Sgt. James Crowley came away from that with increased empathy for what it feels like to be a law-abiding person of color on the receiving end of a law officer's suspicions. Once again, President Obama has shown how important empathy is in creating a more peaceful and reasonable world.

Help Wanted: Supreme Court Justice

2009-05-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Wanted: Supreme Court Justice. Must be empathetic and understanding.

President Obama is going to appoint a replacement for David Souter, and his number one criterion for a candidate is empathy! When have you ever heard that before? Obama says he's looking for someone "who understands that justice isn't about some abstract legal theory... It is also about how our laws affect the daily reality of people's lives."

This is brilliant--basic and revolutionary at the same time. Just think if every job description included "empathy" as a requirement. CEO's would empathize with their lowliest employees; teachers would empathize with their students; doctors would empathize with their patients... Of course, this is what good teachers, doctors and even CEO's do anyway.

Look at Chauncey Veatch, 2002 National Teacher of the Year. He talks about how he felt it was important to be fluent in Spanish and to attend local events, in order to relate to and understand where his students are coming from. This is from the Teacher of the Year Website:

One of Veatch's migrant students, Luiz Mendoza, describes how well Veatch can relate to such students, saying, "I work with my family around Bakersfield until November. But Mr. Veatch saved me a place in his class and spent hours with me helping me to catch up. He does this for all of his migrant students." Veatch himself says, "Most of my students come from families of modest economic means, but their parents have the same dreams for them as parents everywhere. To dream is to be filled with hope. I know this because I see the faces of hope daily."

As for doctors? Consider the studies by Dr. Mohammadreza Hojat of Thomas Jefferson University. This is from the Abstract of his recent article in The Journal of Health and Human Services Administration: "Empathy in the context of clinical care can lead to positive patient outcomes including greater patient satisfaction and compliance... and lower rate of medical errors. Also, health professionals' well-being is associated with higher empathy."

So bravo to President Obama for recognizing the importance of having empathy for one's fellow human beings, in all life circumstances. If all job descriptions included the word "empathy", what a different--and better--world it would be!

Children's Culture Connection

2009-04-02T08:47:00.001-07:00

I just read a newspaper article about an amazing organization that is fostering empathy between children of different cultures and countries in wonderful ways. It's called Children's Culture Connection. I spent the last hour on the website reading about the kids in countries from Iraq to Haiti to India, kids in Africa, Asian, South America with whom this organization is working. The pictures are wonderful--kids under the most difficult of circumstances smiling, playing, and showing that kids are kids.

Check it out at: http://www.childrenscultureconnection.com

This group has a fabulous educational program which connects real kids in the U.S. with real kids in other countries.
The article I just read in the Star Tribune: http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/family/42264187.html?elr=KArks7PYDiaK7DU2EkP7K_V_GD7EaPc:iLP8iUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aULPQL7PQLanchO7DiUr

told about 14-year-olds in Northfield, Minnesota becoming pen pals--and friends--with teenagers in Iraq. These kids discovered what they have in common--more than they thought--and also what each other's lives are like in ways that are different. What is it really like to live in a country that is at war?

As the director of CCC, Dina Fesler, says in the article, "These groups, on both sides, aren't jaded yet. Theyr'e willing to put themselves out there. So many Amierican kids think we're at war with Iraq because they're all Muslim terrorists, ans so many Iraqi kids are taught to hate Americans. Now we can have kids teaching other kids the truth."

The article concludes with the reflection of one teen from Northfield: "I like to think I won't be so quick to judge other people in the future. It opened my eyes that there are different ways of interacting."

empathy in kids

2009-03-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

It was about 10 years ago, when I was volunteering in my son's 6th grade classroom. It was Ramadan, and one of the girls in his class was wearing a headscarf. I overheard her telling the children about how she had to fast, that she would not be able to eat anything until sundown. Her classmates were asking her all about it. How could she go all day without eating? Why did she have to do that? It was wonderful, because the kids were so nonjudgmental, just genuinely interested and curious. And she responded to their questions with openness.

I believe children are very capable of empathy toward others because they are so used to so many things being new to them in this world. Every day, they learn something new... about life, about nature, about other people, about math, about so many things. That's the nature of being a child. Learning about other people, in an uncritical way, is a natural experience for children.

Even young children can learn to be empathetic. In fact, it is a critical human skill. Preschoolers first express their empathy for other children in the context of others getting hurt. Even toddlers will cry in sympathy when another toddler cries. And preschoolers will try to cheer their friends up, in their own way. This usually means doing a pratfall to make the other child laugh. Or it can mean just giving their friend a big hug. The child is not hurt himself, but he can understand the experience and take the other person's viewpoint.

If adults could be as open as children are to the differences as well as to the common humanity of all people, the world would be a lot better off.

being homeless

2009-02-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

I got to experience a little bit of empathy for what it feels like to be homeless recently. My church is part of a group of churches that participate in a program called "Families Moving Forward." Families who have recently become homeless can use this program, which offers them a place to stay as well as help in finding permanent housing, jobs if they need it, or whatever they need to get back on their feet. The churches offer the "place to stay" component of the program, and each church takes turns hosting for a week, every few months. We set up the basement for them--each Sunday School room becomes a bedroom for a family; the large room where we have church dinners becomes their dining room, and in the corner is their "living room", with chairs and sofas gathered around a TV and DVD player. Church members donate food, cook the dinners and breakfasts, stay overnight, and generally help out. I help out with the childcare, spending time with the children in the evening, bringing over Playdough ( a big hit), games and books. I've done this twice. The first time, in the fall, there were 3 or 4 families. This time there were more, and quite a few more small children and babies. A sign of the economic times, no doubt.

So I had to think, as I was playing with these young children while their parents sat in the corner watching TV, what must it be like to have to move every week to a new place to live? What must it be like to have almost no privacy, and to have to make conversations and get to know strangers constantly, as each new group of volunteers at each church sits down to dinner with you? The first time I did this, the parents paid no attention to me and the other volunteers as we played with their children. They just stared at the TV, and talked and laughed with each other. And at first, I felt like this was strange--until I put myself in their place. Then I thought of how emotionally wearing it would be to have to be friendly with a new set of strangers night after night, when you're already worn out from the day and all your troubles. Plus, you're indebted to these people for their help, and I would think you might not feel like trying to relate to someone who is going home to their nice warm house and all their possessions when they're done volunteering.

The children both times have been wonderful--open, friendly, and delighted to play with the things I bring and with me. So, how is it for them? What is it like to have a parade of strangers come into their lives, new ones each day, people who are kind and friendly and then disappear? I sense that they're used to quickly sizing people up and making friends in the moment. Of course, children are very present-oriented, so perhaps it is not as strange or difficult for them as it is for adults. Still, the transiency of their lives must be very hard for them. The kids talked about their preschool class, so they do have the constant of school and teachers, and of course their parents and siblings are their rock to hold onto as everything else changes from day to day.

As I said, this is only a small glimmer of empathy I experienced for the homeless; I do not pretend to have any true understanding of what it would be like without having experienced it myself. Still, in these times when people are losing their homes due to foreclosures all over the place, it is important to pay attention to the real people who are living out the stories we hear on the news.

Majority/Minority

2009-02-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

It 's good to experience being in the minority sometimes, if you are usually of the majority.

My childhood experience was as majority as you can get--a WASP in Minnesota in the '50's and '60's. Now Minnesota is much more diverse, of course. But in my elementary and junior high school years in a small town on Lake Minnetonka, about 10 miles west of Minneapolis, everyone was like me. So I didn't even think about it. I just took that way of living and experiencing the world for granted.

Even now, although I live in a more diverse neighborhood, I still usually experience life through the lens of being "the norm". So, it was an interesting experience a few years ago when I was at a meeting of our neighborhood steering committee with 7 other women. It was right before Christmas. Our host put out snacks, including large pretzel sticks dipped in white chocolate and drizzled with dark chocolate lines to resemble birch trees. I thought they looked lovely. I was about to comment that they would be fun to make for Christmas gifts, when it occurred to me that I was the only non-Jewish person in the group, and so that remark would be irrelevant to everyone else. I kept it to myself.

But I was taken aback by that experience. I wondered, what must it be like to be a minority person (whether of religion, culture, race, sexual orientation or whatever) living in a majority unlike yourself. Do you keep your thoughts and experiences to yourself when they are not shared by the people you're with?

It was an interesting and valuable experience, and I hope I hold onto it.

A co-worker shares

2009-02-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

I am a teacher. Various in-service opportunities are offered at our school. One day, a co-worker in the administration area of our school offered a diversity in-service workshop on herself--her life as a lesbian. I can't imagine what courage it took for her to stand up in front of 30 of her co-workers and tell about what it was like to grow up knowing she was different from her friends or anyone she knew...wondering what it meant that she dreamed about girls instead of boys...never even hearing the words "homosexual" or "lesbian" and not knowing others felt the same way she did. She shared her pain, her confusion, her feelings as a child and a teenage. I was so grateful to her for being willing to share this with all of us; certainly, if anyone who was in that audience that day now learns that a niece is a lesbian, or a son is gay, they will have a beginning of an understanding of what that might be like, thanks to this gift from our brave co-worker.

Obama our brother

2009-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, January 20th, we were all brothers and sisters together as Barack Obama became our president. Everywhere, the tears of joy and liberation flowed--from the Washington Mall to the Mall of America, on faces of every color, from young eyes and old. When elderly African-Americans spoke on TV cameras of their memories of racial segregation and hatred, their voices choking with the overwhelming emotion of what this moment meant to them, I, a white middle-aged woman, cried with them. When the people of Kenya danced and celebrated, we danced with them in our American living rooms. We were all priveleged to share this moment, a powerful empathetic bond rarely experienced simultaneously by such a large mass of humanity.

I remember being at the Xcel Center in St. Paul in June 2008, when Barck Obama claimed the Democratic nomination for the presidency. We waited for hours, in lines that snaked around block after block of downtown St. Paul--and the camaraderie was joyous, fantastic. Then, my husband, myself and our 18-year-old son made it into the Xcel Center just as Obama took the stage, to wild cheering. What I remember most is looking around at the crowd we were sitting with way up in the rafters, surrounded by mostly black families, and so many of them crying with joy, justice finally coming for them. I felt so privileged to be able to share this profoundly emotional moment with them.

Barack Obama has ushered in the true new century, finally. We have hope now, that the 21st Century will be marked by the flowering of empathy and respect for all of our brothers and sisters around this planet.